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it's been fun, xanga. goodbye.
chrisred.tumblr.com
redism.tumblr.com
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i hope you know what you did. you've torn apart the only thing that was solid in our life. us. i can't help it that you've changed, it just hurts so much. maybe i've never been apart of that life so naturally what i thought never mattered. maybe you're just scared of this thing called love. maybe you could not believe that someone would be able to love you as you are in this lifetime. maybe you think that something as unpredictable as love may never last as long as it did and will probably stop tomorrow. maybe you think that it doesn't even exist in this day and age and i'm being delusional about it. maybe you just couldn't process the fact that you're moving away to a foreign place because of someone else. you suddenly felt like you've lost control of your life, could not decide and had your emotions decide for you. you've always been an intellectual and logical person, so naturally your emotions couldn't possibly decide for you as you can't explain it. however, you could deny it. so you did and thanks to that decision, we both have to suffer for it. do i blame you, yes. you'd discuss life changing decisions with friends and you can't even talk to me about it without holding back what you really thought. i've shared four years of my life with you (or at least I thought i did), yet you could not even come to me and be truthful when you have problems. i don't mean that you lied but i could tell that at times you were hiding your thoughts from me. at times you hid us like i was your little secret. maybe i embarrass you. maybe i should've said something about it. maybe i'm just not good enough to be with you. maybe i didn't love you enough. Or maybe i was just a waste of space in your life. gawd, i feel awfully stupid. i mean here i was prepared to spend my life with you and be with you wherever you are, meanwhile you were planning to abandon ship behind my back. you know what, i'm serioulsy dumbfucked. you mentioned that we were too far apart to be together. well you had your chance to get us closer togerther and you bailed. now i know how much i matter to you. interesting prospect but probably not worth spending your life or future with. just when i was euphorically counting down the days we'd meet, now i'm miserably counting the amount of tears i've cried. you really do know how to break a girl's heart. you said you can't stand another year of this non-relationship thing. so i guess this was what it meant to you all these years. a non-relationship. sad. so sad. just fucking sad.
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i don't know if you noticed anything different
it's getting dark and it's getting cold
and the nights are getting long
i don't know if you notice anything missing
and the things that keep us apart keep me alive
and the things that keep me alive keep me alone
i don't know if you notice anything different
i don't know if you even notice at all
- fink - | | |
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people keep telling me, oh you'll find someone who'd love you back and treat you like you're worth everything in the world. that's what they told me before i met you and for four years i thought i found that person. so i'll get a job. so i'll eat and drink and get sick. so i'll live in comfort in the future in my own house and a thousand cats. so i'll probably die before i know it. so life is unpredictable and will throw me a curve ball when i'm not looking. so life goes on. whatever life may be, it has nothing more to offer me that can be compared to what i have already experienced. nothing compares to sleeping in the arms of the person you love and knowing that person somehow loves you back. nothing compares to hearing her breathe while she sleeps and listening to her heartbeat knowing that somehow miraculously her heart beats for you. nothing compares to seeing your lover's eyes when she gazes back at yours telling you how she feels about you. nothing compares to seeing her pout when you know she's only playing with you to get your attention. nothing compares to waking up next to her to find her snuggled up against your neck while you secretly kiss her forehead and be careful not to wake her peaceful slumber. nothing compares to her telling you she likes you being a wee bit sticky and doesn't mind striping you off your scruffy clothes. nothing compares to drying her tears after watching a sappy film together. nothing compares to cooking up a nice dinner for her in the kitchen while she whines down after work.nothing compares to hearing her laugh over the telephone and comforting her when she's had a bad day. nothing compares to disagreeing over something only to make out afterwards. nothing compares to seeing the gleam in her eyes when she's eating her favourite food that you bought or made for her. nothing compares to travelling a hundred thousand miles with the excitement of jumping into her arms at the airport and kiss each other senseless disregarding the glares. nothing compares to the feeling of secretly waiting to surprise her when she least expects it. nothing compares to sitting in cafe with her doing absolutely nothing just because we enjoy each others presence. nothing compares to being lost with her in a foreign country just so we can find explore around and find our own way back without a map. nothing compares to secretly stealing glances at her when she's reading in bed. nothing compares to rubbing her feet when she's tired and later tickle her until she's rolling on the floor with laughter. nothing compares to holding her hand and knowing that she feels safe with you. nothing ever compares to having wonderful night after dinner , a film and some gin&tonic only to show each other how much we love them afterwards before we sleep. seriously with all those things that can't be compared with anything, how can i not be in love with you still after so many years. how could i ever compare you with anything, you were everything.
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| just a perfect day
you made me forget myself
i thought i was someone else
someone good
oh, it's such a perfect day
i'm glad i spent it with you
you just keep me hanging on
- lou reed -
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